I watched a movie tonight that felt so real to me. Reign Over Me, starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It’s about a guy, Charlie Fineman (Sandler), who lost him family in 9/11. He doesn’t want to come to a realization that he’s broken inside. It hurts him so deeply when he does as little as thinks about it. So, he chooses to do what’s the easiest; simply not remember. I am right there with him. I would so easily rather not remember something, rather than live and confront it. Life will hurt us. It’ll bring us down. There’s nothing we can do to avoid it. I am just so scared to confront the hurt because I fear that it will not leave. That’s not a suitable approach; I know that with all my heart. There’s a point where we need to just let go of whatever. We can either continue with life or live in the pain and sadness. I’ll admit it. I’ve lived in the sadness, I still am. I need to move on, I do. But I still haven’t been able to move on. I need help. Someday it’ll be gone. I’ll be able to live as if I had just been born. No worries, no sadness. Simply fulfillment and joy. It’s a heart-issue. Something I must confront with God.

My Aunt Diana died this past week. My mom has been having such a hard time with her. She was basically the only one on her side of the family that spoke with her on a regular basis. Everyone else wasn’t on speaking-terms with her. My mom won’t allow herself to move on. She knows she did everything she could to positively affect my aunt’s life, yet she never gave in. At least not that we knew of. She died, and we have no way of knowing if she was a believer. It breaks my mother’s heart. We both know that she sis all she did but for some reason it’s just not enough. I try to say the words that will help my mom in any way. It hurts to know that not one thing I say or do will or could do anything. Not one thing. I want to be there to support my mom, I do. It hurts me to see her hurt. I just wish there was something I could do.

My aunt left behind her two daughters, Lauren (19) and Thea (15). I feel so bad for them both. The fact that they have to bury their mother at such a young age just doesn’t seem right. Lauren is due to have her first child June 30^th, a girl. My aunt was beyond ecstatic with her first grandchild on the way. But the little girl will never see or meet her late grandmother. I love my cousins so dearly. I just hope they know that, and that we all love them.

Life is so fragile, there’s no time to waste. I’ve had friends die before they ever got there driver’s license. We can’t allow ourselves to live without honoring God. I wish so badly I could share Him with everybody. Death isn’t the worst thing in the world. I truly believe life is to be celebrated. But if a life was spent in an ill-advised manner in which we didn’t honor God and love him, that’s when the sorrow sets in. When I know I’ll never see that person again because they didn’t know the Lord, that’s truly saddening. I guess that’s why I want to get into the ministry. I want to give everybody the chance to get to know God like I do. To live to there fullest. I’ve seen lives both wasted and embraced. And I was so excited to see the one whom embraced it get to go home to heaven. It was truly a celebration. And with the other one it was an emotion-fest. Not that there’s anything wrong with grieving. It’s OK. I just want to know that everything will be alright.